Someone I know has been stuck in a dead-end relationship for over five years. Her friends just don't understand it. Why would such a together girl stay with this man? He can't keep a job—he's cycled through three jobs during the past two years. His church attendance is spotty, and he often teases my friend in a mean way in front of other people. "But I really love him," she protests. "I want to marry him, and if I can just keep motivating him in his career and in his walk with God, I think we'll have a good marriage. He says he just can't do it without me, and he told me that if I just cut back on my ministry activities and time with my friends, I'll have more time to help him get his act together." Her friends feel sorry for her. But, actually, she is getting something from the relationship—a sense of security. As long as she can make her boyfriend dependent on her, the chances that he will abandon her are slim.

Psychologists use the label co-dependency for these relationships; the Bible calls them idolatry. Relational idolatry breeds unhappiness, yet many women get stuck here and can't seem to break away, even when they've determined to do so. They remain stuck if, when they do decide to get free, they wind up trying to free themselves from the wrong thing. The man in her life is not the one my friend is idolizing; she is actually idolizing herself. When we cling to ungodly entanglements in order to gain something for ourselves—even something good like love or security or acceptance—we are, at the core, committing an act of self-worship. It’s worship turned inward rather than upward, which is the very definition of idolatry, and it is always the pathway to misery.

The cure for such misery is to love people more and to need them less. Once we begin to move in a God-centered, others-oriented direction, which may, at times, entail separating from a relationship if it is an unbiblical one, we will experience freedom and a peace that will never be possible otherwise.

Labels: relationships