How will you know if a boy likes you? You will know because he tells you he likes you. Until then, it's safe--and wise--to assume that he doesn't.
So how are women supposed to interact with a man they like romantically who may or may not reciprocate their interest? Is it possible to be "just friends"? Elisabeth Elliot's advice is still the best around. Here is a list of questions she was asked and the answers she provided:
Q: When and how do you let [your interest in the man] be known?
EE: A forthright proposal, "Will you marry me?" provides the best opportunity to let your feelings be known. it is up to the initiator to make that [opportunity]. A true man will make up his mind sooner rather than later.
Q: Isn't it being deceptive if you don't tell him how you feel?
EE: He has no right to know until he has told you how he feels, which ought to accompany his proposal.
Q: What if you don't suspect any romantic spark on his part, but there is on yours? How do you keep your emotions from progressing?
EE: Keep him at arm's length.
Q: At what point do you say, "It's really hard for me to spend time with you without knowing your feelings? And if he says "just friends," do you say, "It's too hard for me to spend time with you as friends because my heart yearns for more and it only gives me hope"?
EE: Questions like that take the initiative. If it's true that it's hard, stop seeing the man. If he loves you, he will pursue you more specifically.
Q: About calling men: is it okay if there is absolutely no intent or hope for more? Like calling a friend to play racquetball or to grab a bite to eat or to talk."
EE: Not a good idea.
Q: What about calling [a man I like] and inviting him to group functions?
EE: Let him initiate.
Q: Do I always have to let him pay?I think it may put unnecessary pressure on him.
EE: If you sense pressure, go to McDonalds. Better to go where he can afford the tab.
Q: Should I just forget my hopes and treat him as just a friend--not being afraid to call him or pay my way? I think I can honestly say that I'd rather have a friendship and no romance than no friendship at all.
EE: What else can I say?
(Quest for Love, Revell, 1999, pp. 57-59)
So how are women supposed to interact with a man they like romantically who may or may not reciprocate their interest? Is it possible to be "just friends"? Elisabeth Elliot's advice is still the best around. Here is a list of questions she was asked and the answers she provided:
Q: When and how do you let [your interest in the man] be known?
EE: A forthright proposal, "Will you marry me?" provides the best opportunity to let your feelings be known. it is up to the initiator to make that [opportunity]. A true man will make up his mind sooner rather than later.
Q: Isn't it being deceptive if you don't tell him how you feel?
EE: He has no right to know until he has told you how he feels, which ought to accompany his proposal.
Q: What if you don't suspect any romantic spark on his part, but there is on yours? How do you keep your emotions from progressing?
EE: Keep him at arm's length.
Q: At what point do you say, "It's really hard for me to spend time with you without knowing your feelings? And if he says "just friends," do you say, "It's too hard for me to spend time with you as friends because my heart yearns for more and it only gives me hope"?
EE: Questions like that take the initiative. If it's true that it's hard, stop seeing the man. If he loves you, he will pursue you more specifically.
Q: About calling men: is it okay if there is absolutely no intent or hope for more? Like calling a friend to play racquetball or to grab a bite to eat or to talk."
EE: Not a good idea.
Q: What about calling [a man I like] and inviting him to group functions?
EE: Let him initiate.
Q: Do I always have to let him pay?I think it may put unnecessary pressure on him.
EE: If you sense pressure, go to McDonalds. Better to go where he can afford the tab.
Q: Should I just forget my hopes and treat him as just a friend--not being afraid to call him or pay my way? I think I can honestly say that I'd rather have a friendship and no romance than no friendship at all.
EE: What else can I say?
(Quest for Love, Revell, 1999, pp. 57-59)
Labels: dating, femininity
10 Comments:
I was just talking with a friend (a married man in his 40s) this weekend who says that sometimes you have to let men know what you are thinking because they are blind. If his wife had completely followed Elizabeth's advice, he never would have figured it out.
I will never forget reading that as a young, unmarried lady, & being SO DEPRESSED!!
HOWEVER, my DH was definitely an innitiator, PTL!!!
I know that this is good advice, but as a single girl, it makes me wonder if I'll ever find someone who'll initiate!
Maybe it's because in Christian circles, dating more often seen as a very important and serious step, compared to the "It's not serious, just fun!" approach modelled by the world?
My daughter and I were just talking about these things recently...We spoke about some of these same scenarios. My words to her were very similar! (For the future--not now)
Is she saying you can't have guy friends? If so, I really disagree with that.
It seems like EE is saying women should be completely cold! Surely there has to be something that's friendlier than being cold, without being too pushy. Not that I know where that middle ground is...but I wonder, because at my church it sometimes seems like if a man and a women even sit next to each other once, it's assumed that they're practically engaged! What kinds of friendship are appropriate?
Seems this post has raised some questions. I'll post more about it in the days ahead. Thanks to those of you who have raised some good questions here.
Lydia
Really looking forward to more on this!
When I first read this book I immediately identifed with what EE was saying because I was witnessing several of my peers claiming to be "just friends" which in reality was deceiving themselves or the other person involved.
It may seem like an extreme, but I really think she has a point to take into consideration. Our culture has made it the extreme by going so far the other way.
This is the part from Quest for Love that has kept me going. I've gone against it once and I will regret it for a very long time. She is so right and so very wise. Thanks for the reminder!
I'm not sure I get it. It's not necessarily bad social advice--it's one way to "play the game," I guess, but what specifically biblically requires the man to do all the pursuing? Spiritual head of the home, yes. But I'm not convinced that has to logically imply social initiator. Am I missing some connections here?
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